Thursday, January 4, 2018

Bedtime Musings - Dinner #81



Bedtime Musings

-A Second Lesson In Sorrow-


Psalm 63:6 “When I remember thee upon my bed, and meditate on thee in the night watches.”

I felt God’s comfort and His love, last year, in a wonderful, amazing way . . . I wrote, then, from the very depths of my soul. But what do you write when the same sorrow hits a second time?

I didn’t want to look at another lifeless ultrasound ever again . . . But sometimes what we dread the very most, ends up coming to pass. If you read my Christmas blog post, you heard the heart of a woman who had come a full year from deep sorrow.  Only ten days later, we found ourselves experiencing such sorrow again.  Only those who have walked this road, can truly understand.  You feel like you’ve plunged beneath a frozen, icy pond, and you’re gasping for breath.  You hear the voices of your other children, playing, but you can hardly pull yourself from bed . . . It is the familiar weight and cloud of grief . . .  You’re not taking fun family photos, or planning a wonderful goal for the new year, like all the world seems to be, around you . . . You’re just trying to live through TODAY . . . Trying not to be in physical pain . . . Trying to hold back the tears every time an article of clothing makes you remember what was finally a noticeable “bump”, only a couple of weeks ago . . .

Any death can be tragic; saddening; devastating – but a miscarriage leaves a woman feeling HOLLOW, as no other grief in the world can do - especially if you are a Christian mother. Because of your belief in God’s Word, you understand how REAL it all is, right from the very beginning.  Life was growing within you, a heart was beating close to your own - and then it was gone . . . Studies in recent years have shown that when we have carried babies in our womb, their cells sometimes even leave imprints on our own, changing us forever.  Once you become a mom, you’re truly never the same. Once you have miscarried, you’re never the same, either. Such loss molds your heart in an entirely new way – a deeper way than you’ve ever known before.

They tell you that you feel grief because you have felt LOVE – Oh how true that is!  You may be wondering, “How can your heart hurt so much over a fifth baby, or a sixth?”  Because I have enjoyed the “baby stage” of motherhood so very, very much!  I have embraced it as a gift from God.  And I truly long for another wobbly little head on my shoulder, at midnight.  Perhaps you’d say with the well-meaning, “You already have 4 beautiful children . . .” But a mother’s love does not get divided amongst her children, it only multiplies!  And so, yes, a loving mother does grieve – whether it be her first or her tenth child, that she has just lost.  

Often in these sorrows, there are no answers.  Once again, everything appeared to be “going just fine”.  So what do you do when there seems to be no “why”? As the beautiful church song goes, “And there seems to be no reason for the suffering we feel; We are tempted to believe God does not know . . . And when you don’t understand the purpose of His plan, in the Presence of the King, bow the knee.”

ANYONE we love, here on earth, is only a gift for a time.  Some are with us for 11 weeks, but never held in our arms; some are by our side for 50 years or more.  We ought to love them as God would have us love them – every single day.  But we ought to love Our Savior even more. 

All to Jesus I surrender,  All to Him I freely give; I will ever love and trust Him, In His Presence daily live . . .”  One baby . . . Two babies . . . and any more of those most dear in all the world to me, that God chooses to call home.  They are really Thine, Oh Lord! 

And then, when we sorrow, we “ . . . sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.” (I Thess. 4:13)  Much in my heart has been crushed, and there have been many, many tears. But our 2017 baby was taken to a glorious Heaven, by a good and loving God. And I will see both my miscarried babies in Heaven, someday!

As my husband and I sat together in the hospital room, a week ago, I wrote these words from my heart:

When writing a status update, Facebook often asks "What is on your mind?" Heaven. Heaven is on my mind, today. The sweetest nursery you could ever hope to see . . . Every baby loved, and hoped, and wished for, but never held here on earth . . . Every baby left, neglected, now cared for by the angels . . . Every baby aborted in the womb, but now loved on by millions of mamas in a perfect land . . . Every baby who suffered from illnesses and birth defects, here below, now and forever healed . . . Perhaps there are volunteers who work "nursery" in that Heavenly Place - If so, I will certainly be one of them. 

Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

With My Lord’s help, through the sorrow and the pain, I choose to hold on to FAITH.  Faith that God is good.  Faith that “ . . . his tender mercies are over all his works.” (Psalm 145:9).  Faith that He will heal the brokenness, once again.  Faith that no matter how many times I “go down to the grave”, my Lord will bring me up (Psalm 30:3).  Faith that joy will come in the morning (Psalm 30:5).

I felt God’s comfort and His love, last year, in a wonderful, amazing way . . . I wrote, then, from the very depths of my soul.  But what do you write when the same sorrow hits a second time? The words of the timeless hymn sounds in my heart, “Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not . . . Great is Thy faithfulness.”

Bow The Knee” Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_0xrdOZ7ic 



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