Unraveled - Dinner #96

When our deputation ministry began, we traveled together as a family and sought to hold onto as much routine as possible.  From one destination to the next, we learned what worked well for us – material for children’s classes, medleys for special music, activities for hotel rooms . . .

Now, for the first time on this journey, we are blessed with a newborn in our lives.  A “rainbow” long worried over, and prayed for, and anticipated.  She’s here!  Beautiful, long-limbed, and with such a head of soft, feathery hair.  We all love her so!  But newborns do cry and bring lack of sleep.  Babies need to be changed and nursed frequently.  Infants create multiple loads of laundry.  And somehow adding this newness to an already hectic lifestyle has left me feeling like a stunned deer in the headlights.  How do I DO this?! 

One evening, as I tried to navigate my way through church conversations, in an exhausted daze, a single word suddenly popped into my mind – UNRAVELED.  It was as though the order and routine I had known up until this point was coming apart at the seams. The thread was being pulled out longer and longer, right before my very eyes. 

It is difficult giving a missions testimony when the baby wakes up as soon as she hears Mommy’s voice.  Speaking to ladies about my book, while an infant wails on my shoulder, fighting gas bubbles, is a little less than ideal.  Trying to fit in a lengthy feeding, before a church service starts, can be emotional at best.

God is beginning to stitch something new – I know He is! - A beautiful pattern involving a family of seven.  Slowly, the embroidery of a calm life is returning to us, but some days, the tapestry looks messy to my human eyes. All I can see is the unraveled string.  “. . . when my heart is overwhelmed”, O Lord, please “lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” (Psalm 61:2)  

I bow my head and cry, “I can’t do this without You, Lord!” The simple fact of the matter is, I can’t do ANYTHING without Him – not the difficult days, nor the seemingly easy ones either. As Christ says in John chapter 15, “. . . for without me ye can do nothing.” Not a single thing.

Whether the stitches are unraveled, or every stitch seems exactly in its proper place, I NEED the Lord! ALL of the time!  And I can do this.  The meetings, the traveling, the long newborn days and nights . . . “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” (Philippians 4:13) 

My Heavenly Father does not leave me helpless.  The Bible says, “He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.” (Isaiah 40:29)  I am in need of that extra measure of strength, right now.  Are you? May we seek Him together and ever find Him faithful.

Rainbow Baby Poem

Rainbow Baby

By Kristen Kelley

August 2019

The sky can hold such beauty

Following a rain,

As light shines through the sorrow,

Healing from the pain.

The brightness of a rainbow;

Promise from above.

The brushwork of my Savior;

Symbol of His love.

A picture in the heavens;

Blessing brought below;

Sweet sunlight wrapped in blankets.

Oh how we love you so!

Praying In The Storm - Dinner #96

PRAYING IN THE STORM

It is amazing to me how the Lord sometimes pieces things together in our lives.  A missionary friend of mine recently sent me an excerpt from a book on prayer, talking about the beautiful “laments” in the Bible.  It also ended up being the theme for our adult lesson on Job, this past Sunday.  The class material had a step-by-step explanation of what a Biblical lament included, and a couple of us were asked to write one of our own. 

I am currently 37 weeks along with our precious “Rainbow Baby”, and anxiously waiting every day for her arrival.  It is a happy time in my life.  But there are well over 7000 bereaved mamas in the Facebook groups I’ve been a part of, this past year . . . There are recently-widowed ladies in my church . . . There are friends with dissolving marriages and very serious health issues on my prayer list . . . Every day, all around us, are struggling, hurting, grieving people.

Do we know how to pray to God when we encounter trials in our personal lives?  We understand that, as Christians, we ought not doubt our loving Heavenly Father.  But is there a RIGHT WAY to talk to Him in our hours of deepest anguish, and to tell Him how we truly feel? 

In a “lament”, we don’t doubt our Creator, but, rather we show that we TRUST Him – We trust Him by pouring out our heart; trust Him with our innermost thoughts and feelings; trust that He still hears us when we cannot see His face; trust that He knows what is best in every situation. 

If you are walking through a dark valley in your own life, don’t be afraid to pray like Job, like David, like Jeremiah, and like so many others in the Bible . . . Don’t be afraid to pray the very words of Scripture . . .

Perhaps this example will be a blessing to you:

I come before You, Dear Heavenly Father.

I don’t understand why this is happening to me.  My heart is so hurt, right now - so devastated.  I feel broken and shattered in a million pieces.  My circumstances weigh down on my heart like an anvil.  A giant cloud has settled over my spirit and I cannot shake it. The words of others wound me, again and again.  When, Lord, will I find relief?

Deep down in my heart, Dear Lord, I know that You are in control.  You are good and You are God, even when I cannot see Your loving face.  Your Word tells me to “Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us . . .” (Ps. 62:8)  I need Your refuge, Dear Jesus!  I lay this burden of my heart down at Your feet, Oh God.  I know that I can run to You when I have no where else to turn.  “The name of the LORD is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe.” (Prov. 18:10) I know that You are the Only One Who can truly help me through this trial.

Please strengthen me, Dear God.  Please help me not to falter or fail in my walk with You.  Please help me to bring You glory in everything I am going through right now. 

“I will declare thy name unto my brethren: in the midst of the congregation will I praise thee.” (Ps. 22:22) You alone can see me through to the other side, Dear Lord.  Please help me on that day to praise You and to rejoice in You, and to not be afraid to share your goodness in my life with others around me.

Thank You, Oh Lord, for hearing me when I pray!  Thank You for comforting my heart, and for Your Holy Spirit reminding me that You are still with me and You are still doing a special work in my life. You see the whole picture from start to finish, Dear Lord, even when I cannot.  I love you, Lord Jesus!

AMEN

In Psalm 23, David declares, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me . . .”

I encourage you to pray earnestly, My Friend.  No matter what you are going through today, you can share the deepest burdens of your heart with God.  He created you and He loves you with an everlasting love.  You can truly cast “all your care upon him; for he careth for you.” (I Peter 5:7)

Awaiting A Rainbow

AWAITING A RAINBOW

By Kristen Kelley

The myriad of emotions I feel in my heart as my due date approaches is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever known.  Do I dare to write that?  To share that with the world?  The last time I visited the L&D floor of our local hospital was 2+1/2 years ago.  The last time I visited the L&D floor of our local hospital, I left with empty arms. 

God has brought about great beauty from the ashes, since that sorrowful day.  Knowing my booklet A Letter In Your Loss has now been put into the hands of hundreds of other grieving mamas – that has been something beyond anything I could have ever asked or thought (Eph. 3:20).  But here I am – bereavement author Kristen Kelley – staring labor in the face once again, and praying that this time, there will be life on the other side. Praying that there will be happy tears and smiles, infant cries, and the warmth of sweet baby cuddles. 

Jeremiah 31:13 “. . . for I will turn their mourning into joy, and will comfort them, and make them rejoice from their sorrow.”

It can be weighty on one’s heart, seeking to hold out the hope of God to groups where mamas are literally losing their babies every day. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy with various “nesting activities” and not dwell on panic-triggering fears.  Anxiety seeks to infiltrate my heart, just the same.

“My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is fixed: I will sing and give praise.” Psalm 57:7

God has not given me the spirit of fear (II Tim. 1:7).  I cling to that.  But I am human.  And the broken heart that God has healed so incredibly, feels extremely vulnerable just now.  Not everyone must work through the difficulty of reliving a trauma, but we all deal with difficulties.  The hymn phrase “all your anxiety, all your care, Bring to the mercy seat, leave it there . . .” keeps running through my mind.

Delivering a live baby often brings with it a sense of maternal strength and power.  I lost so much of that confidence during the miscarriage delivery with our son. My body failed me over and over again on that day. What if it fails me now?

Isaiah 41:10 “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”

Isaiah 41:10 has long been my “life verse”, and I love how it still anchors my heart – even in this.

What do you cling to in your “this”? You may not be facing your biggest fears as you await the delivery of a “rainbow”.  You may be facing a mind struggle of an entirely different kind.  Do you know where to turn when Satan is seeking to rob you of your peace?

“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.” (Isaiah 26:3)

“Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.”

Look to Our Precious Savior, Dear Sister!  No matter your trial; your dilemma; your fear.

“And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:7)

Carrying A Rainbow

CARRYING A RAINBOW

By Kristen Kelley

The second Sunday in May . . . I have anticipated the onset of labor pains, on Mother’s Day, before.  I have had breakfast brought to me in bed by my loving husband. I have taken photos in the front yard with my daughters.  I have sought refuge in the church parking lot, and wept the tears of grief. 

This Mother’s Day, I am carrying a precious “rainbow” in my womb. We will be 6-months along, tomorrow, and it is still difficult to put this pregnancy into words. Here we are with only about 16 weeks left to go, and I feel like I am finally letting myself start to think, “This baby might be coming home with us!”

So much that is “baby” has had to be pushed away from my heart and mind the last few years, as I coped with the sorrow of miscarriage – even videos and photos of our older girls when they were born  . . . It feels both exciting and incredibly fragile to be looking at maternity clothes, and nursing pillows, and receiving blankets.

We all have circumstances in our lives for which we need to trust the hand of our loving Heavenly Father . . . Since learning of our pregnancy, I have had to cling repeatedly to the truth that God alone is in control of the outcome. 

“In whose hand is the soul of every living thing, and the breath of all mankind.” (Job 12:10)

I have always written a few letters to our babies, while carrying them in my womb.  The letters to this Little One are so different from those I wrote in years past . . .

“I feel your movements – especially when I’m wearing my seatbelt or a drinking a delicious shake at bedtime – yet, I still long to hear your little heartbeat thumping like a train.  Having a fetal Doppler has greatly helped to allay my natural fears between doctor appointments.  I couldn’t imagine going 2 weeks or more before being reassured of your well-being within my womb.”

“More people asked if we knew your gender, yesterday.  I fought hard to . . . refrain from automatically picturing the traumatic ultrasound where we discovered we’d lost your brother Joshua.”

“I want to be happy – ONLY happy – about the ultrasound, the rainbow baby shirts, the secret Easter egg reveal . . . but my heart is like a pendulum.” 

On a teeter-totter between fear and hope - even today - the Holy Spirit reminds me of Psalm 42:5:

“Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God . . .”

Kind church members recently provided a travel bassinet and a travel swing, in anticipation of our new arrival.  When I shared with the girls what we had received, our oldest asked with grave concern, “But why are we getting baby stuff if we don’t even know yet if we’ll be able to keep this baby?”

“Because it’s good to HOPE,” I told her.  “We need to keep hoping that everything WILL be alright this time. And we need to start getting things ready for if we DO get to bring her home. Right?”

“Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.” (Ps. 27:14)

He can strengthen my heart; the heart of my husband; the hearts of my daughters . . . Each of us have our own worries and concerns.  Our hope must be in nothing else.  Not in “chariots” or “horses” – not in doctors or ultrasounds - but in “the name of the LORD our God.” (Psalm 20:7)

HE alone is my Rock amid the swirling “multitude of my thoughts within me”, and His “comforts delight my soul.” (Ps. 94:19)

As the beautiful hymn declares, “When all around my soul gives way, He then is all my hope and stay.”

“I think God gave us this rainbow baby to keep,” our Cheyenne often tells me. 

I do too, Sweet Girl. Deep down in my heart, I do too.

“Our God whom we serve is able . . .” as the three Hebrew children once said, “ . . . But if not . . .” (Daniel 3:17-18) If not . . . If God chooses another plan – a more difficult road for me - I know with a certainty “. . . his way is perfect . . .” (Ps. 18:30) and “he maketh my way perfect.” (II Sam. 22:33)

This Mother’s Day 2019 “ . . . my flesh also shall rest in hope.” (Ps. 16:9)

Patterned Parenting - Dinner #95

As many of you know, we are expecting a “Rainbow Baby”, and are due this summer! We typically travel as a family to deputation meetings, but I stayed home with the girls for the conference this week, as we didn’t feel comfortable with my going all the way to Louisiana just now. It’s interesting seeing how one chooses to fill the long hours while Dear Husband is away . . . Simple dinners, school work, doctor and dental appointments, lots of 2^nd trimester cleaning and organizing, dark chocolate . . .

Tonight I stayed up late watching one of those movies that requires a handful of tissues . . . Being a big fan of “Fireproof”, and “Facing the Giants”, and basically any movie produced by the Kendrick Brothers, I’d picked up a copy of their newest Christian film - “Like Arrows” – for myself to enjoy. What a powerful message it contains!  “Like Arrows” is one of those movies that truly makes you stop and think . . . “What are we really doing as parents?  Where are our children headed?  What are we doing wrong? How can we improve?”

I have recently begun a study in my devotions that fits right along with this idea of patterning our parenting after God.  There are times when I stop myself and think, “I need to eliminate that type of sentence from my vocabulary.  God doesn’t parent US like that.”  God doesn’t use sarcasm.  He doesn’t use bribery.  He doesn’t change His mind on a whim.  Where do we get our parenting ideas from, anyway?!  As God’s children, we ought to be getting them from God Himself! 

I John 3:1 “Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God . . .”

So far, I have only scratched the surface of this personal study, as I begin working my way through the book of Genesis.  Tonight, before I head to bed, I just want to share some of these thoughts with you.

What does Scripture say about the parenting techniques of our Heavenly Father?

·         Genesis 3 – He used questions to make Adam and Eve think about and fully realize their sin.  He gave punishments specific to each individual who did wrong. 

·         Genesis 4:3-7 – He set up specific rules and guidelines.

·         Genesis 6:5,8 – He rewarded good and punished evil.

·         Genesis 6:14-7:3 – He was specific and detailed in His instructions to Noah; in His expectations.

·         Genesis 7:4 – He did not keep Noah completely in the dark, but let him know some information in advance.

·         Genesis 8:21,22/9:12-16 – He made and kept His promises.

·         Genesis 11:5-9 – He recognized potential evils and did not leave his people to their own devises.

·         Genesis 12:2-3 – He blessed/rewarded Abraham and those of his descendants who chose to obediently follow God. 

And these considerations are only from the first 12 chapters of the Bible!

“Train up a child in the way he should go . . .” (Prov. 22:6) Scripture tells us.  We have been given a sacred privilege.  God has given US the task of raising the next generation for Him. I pray that as you head into the weekend, the Lord might bless the precious sharpening of your “arrows” (Psalm 127:4).

Psalm 145 declares that our Heavenly Father “. . . is gracious, and full of compassion; slow to anger, and of great mercy.  The LORD is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works.” Oh that we might seek to parent as our loving God parents us! 

Christ Is My Castle - Dinner #94

CHRIST IS MY CASTLE

December 24, 2018 “The kinglet on the suet.  The rays of sunshine flooding the bedroom just so.  The pine straw covering the ground outside like a blanket.  I reminisce of days gone by when I sat on this very front porch penning historical fiction as a teenager, creating lesson plans for preschoolers, and telling a skinny, dark-haired college boy that I loved him.  It is pretty incredible returning to a home where you spent so much of your youth.  I never knew that feeling when I was little – we moved often during my younger years.  But this was where Dad had his final tour of duty for the Navy.  This was the home where he retired.  And this is where I return now for the holidays.  A place of familiarity.  A haven.  A refuge.”

 

Our family traveled over 32,000 miles in 2018.  I have learned to enjoy certain aspects of being on the road, but for me, a truly fabulous day is one in which we never leave the parameters of our own house and yard.  By nature, a woman’s home is her refuge.  With her family and the familiar about her, she feels SAFE.  Certainly the schedule can go awry, the laundry can pile up, and the toilet can overflow, but this is HOME.   She is the wife, the mother, the queen, and this place is her domain.  Deputation, however, takes much of that kingdom away.  The missionary wife finds herself without the security of personal decisions regarding meals, schedules, or sleeping arrangements.  She has no choice but to hand a million unknowns to her Savior on a daily basis. 

This past fall, a pastor’s wife took several of us missionary wives aside and prayed for us, “as they do that which is not natural – leaving their homes behind.”  It struck me, as she prayed, that this is why life on the road is so difficult at times.  Quite simply, it isn’t NORMAL.  As much as I sometimes long for my own routine; for my own stove, and bed, and bathtub; to be surrounded by the familiar four walls of my own “castle”; there are weeks and even months when God is the only fortress in sight.  And the truth of the matter is, HE is all I need.  CHRIST is my castle in my changing world.  And HE remains ever the same.

Hebrews 13:8 “Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and today, and for ever.”

Deuteronomy 33:27 “The eternal God is thy refuge . . .”

My refuge; my “strong habitation, whereunto I may continually resort” (Ps. 71:3) When my day is hard and my circumstances challenging - over, and over, and over again - I can run to Him and be safe (Prov. 18:10).  As the hymn by William O. Cushing states so perfectly, “Hiding in Thee, hiding in Thee, Thou blest ‘Rock of Ages,’ I’m hiding in Thee.”

David understood a transient lifestyle.  The vast majority of his early adulthood, he was running from King Saul; living in caves; living with the enemy . . .

In Psalm 142:5, David wrote: “I cried unto thee, O LORD: I said, Thou art my refuge and my portion in the land of the living.”

As we enter another year of deputation, this is my personal prayer – that I allow God to be my REFUGE like never before.  “You are my castle, Dear Jesus.  YOU are my home and my security.”    

Perhaps you pull into the same driveway every day; you check your mail at the same mailbox; you use the same key in the same front door every time.  You do not feel you need God as your HOME, in quite the same way as a traveling missionary wife.  But we all struggle with the human need to feel SECURE.  It may be that there are new health issues on your horizon, or the “sands are shifting” at your workplace.  You may find yourself facing many unknowns in the year ahead. 

The Bible tells us that “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea . . .” (Ps. 46:1-2)

Though the “earth be removed” – though my world be shattered - and though the “mountains” – all my personal strongholds – “be carried” away, God is always with me – “a very present help in trouble.”

Psalm 91:1-2 “He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.   I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.”

When every other fortress seems fallen, He is there for you, Dear Sister!  And He is there for me . . . Do you need to cling to God as YOUR refuge in 2019?? May Christ be your castle – your stronghold against every changing wind and every foe.  And in every storm that comes, may you find Him to be the Rock that is ever so much higher than yourself (Ps. 61:2-3).  

“Oh, safe to the Rock that is higher than I, My soul in its conflicts and sorrows would fly . . . In the tempests of life, on its wide, heaving sea, Thou blest Rock of Ages, I’m hiding in Thee.”